Why an artist creates, perhaps to unfold something beautiful for the world to appreciate and decorate with, perhaps to make an income, to seek approval or perhaps just for self expression. I have personally experienced all of these for a moment in my path to artistic expression. However none of these seemed to fit, I was never fully connected to the my work nor was I even proud. I knew something was missing, something real and bigger than me… authenticity.
I began to let go of trying to make money, someone happy or even anything attractive. I decided to feel, feel my deepest wounds, my deepest sorrows and deepest joys. The emotions too scary to allow to surface but needed to.
I believe any {normal} human has some sort of trauma engrained in their being and it is very easy to feel isolated in that agony. I always wanted to do more with my creative expression than just make something visually appealing. I wanted to create a conversation and a comfort around pain, human pain, mental pain, emotional pain.
It was winter, I was struggling with purpose, self love and all other kinds of love. I would have massive anxiety attacks and thoughts of suicide, it was the most crippling of times. I was in therapy, on too many medications and numbed to myself. I had lost the blooming flower within me.
Until I took my joy on as my own responsibility, I decided to feel the hurt and anguish to pray for it to enter me, to sit in its horrifying ways and let it flow from me onto paper.
I remember sobbing, rolling out a huge roll of epson photo paper, { because it was all I had } , taping it to my wall and beginning these odd lines that came from an unexplainable place within me.
I would drink wine, sob, yell, dance, laugh and sing { lucky for people passing by my emormous window } and DRAW.
I realized after validation from others close to and far from me that this was my pain escaping me. I just knew I had to draw, I never thought of it as the internal pain being physically represented on paper.
My true blessing is that this had connected with others who also struggle with mental issues and deep pains. It has been a bridge to a deeper conversation than just appeal and for that I am grateful.
